'Obligatory' end-of-year mix post, even though I apparent forgot to post last year's mix? (Yikes!)

This station has been non-operational for the better part of the last two years, for a few different reasons. Practically, I was forced to really prioritize my dissertation work, as well as my paying gig as a guitar teacher, and didn't really have time to post.

The bigger issue though was that I didn't feel motivated to make or find time to write here, because I haven't been interested in the music, 'scene', 'community', bands, whatever, that I used to think it was so important for me to write about and document here. Or, rather, I no longer feel like that community is interested in me. I feel neither welcome in those cultural spaces or like I belong in them. I don't fit in there, and never really have; I've never had enough chill or been cool enough or available enough or able to not criticize ugly shit when I see it happen. I've never been able to just go with something if I don't think it's working or could be better - but, my critiques of these communities, how they 'do' identities, and their unspoken internal hierarchies and markets are a topic for a different post and a different time.

The point is, feeling like I didn't have real friends, or even kind acquaintances at shows made going to them and trying to socialize and find new music a chore.

So, I stopped. I stopped paying attention to the cool successful 'queer punks' I know and started to focus on work, and on the pop music my guitar students are into. I stopped going out, and I started watching tv and listening to the radio in the car, and started reading feminist pop and tv criticism, and I realized that I was happier that way.

And that's pretty much what this year end mix is about: it's about recognizing what isn't working in your life, figuring out how to fix it, finding things that do make you happy, and learning to believe that, as the kindest and most humane of the cool queer punk kids once told me, pop will save us all.

2015: The Year I Learned to Work the Problem from rockandthesinglegirl on 8tracks Radio.

1. "Why Don't You Love Me?" - Beyoncé
2. "Rat Race" - Brody Dalle
3. "Becky" - Be Your Own Pet
4. "4 5 Seconds" - Rihanna feat. Kanye West & Paul McCartney
5. "Get Gone" - Fiona Apple
6. "I Want More" - Viv Albertine
7. "The Crying Game" - Nicki Minaj
8. "No Cities to Love" - Sleater-Kinney
9. "Dancing in the Dark" - Downtown Boys
10. "Tiger Tank" - Speedy Ortiz
11. "Head Underwater" - Jenny Lewis
12. "CT Catholic" - Rainer Maria
13. "Cold Sweat" - Tinashe
14. "Gaining Force" - In School
15. "212' - Azealia Banks
16. "I Was Gonna Cancel" - Kylie Minogue
17. "Fight for It" - Sorrows
18. "New Sh*t" - Ester Dean
19. "Starting Over" - Slingshot Dakota
20. "It Iz What It Iz" - M.I.A.
21. "Extraordinary" - Liz Phair
22. "Now" - Paramore

What qualifies a good year is changing: 2013, and beyond

I realize that over a month into 2014 is a bit late to be posting a 2013 mix, and for awhile, I figured that this would just be the one year that I didn't make or post a year-end mix. But then I thought, "Who cares if it's 'late'?" I make these year-end mixes mostly for myself, as a sort of sonic representation of my attempts to process and make sense of what I experienced over the course of the year. And processing is just one of those things that takes as long as it takes.

I'll admit that I put off 'processing' 2013. It wasn't the worst year I've had, but it wasn't easy either. It was busy, and it was packed with relationships, events, conflicts, dialogues, and the occasional resolution, when I was lucky. Looking back through all of that was a little daunting, at first.

I wasn't able to avoid it for long though. I'd argue that the end of the calendar year is the one time when we all do at least some processing, even if to varying extents. Or at least, it's the one time of year that we're all really encouraged to look at our lives and our choices, and try to make changes -- i.e., the whole thing of making resolutions. Most of my friends are super-processors already; my oldest and best friend, Zoey, is a social worker by profession, a Cancer by birth, and a sort of but not really secret hippie. She actually likes hearing about her friends' feelings, and is very good at dissecting, scrutinizing, and unequivocally validating every single feeling you express to her. It was not a surprise to me when our first conversation of 2014 started with me saying "Happy new year!" to her, and her responding with,"You too! But, how do you feel about that?"

I was in my kitchen at the time, putting away some dried dishes. I closed the cabinet door and said, "I feel like I'm glad the holidays and 2013 are over, even though 2013 was the year I learned to how to tell toxic people to get the fuck out." After half an hour of 'processing', it became clear to me that all of the conflict I dealt with in 2013 wasn't my 'fault', and wasn't drama that I had caused for the sake of it; it was the result of me finally learning how to call people on their negative behavior, and walk away from them if they refused to deal with it, apologize, or at least talk it out.

Or, as another friend put it in a pithy and much needed text, "2013: The Year Shit Got Real". So, that's what this mix is about. It's about realizing that you don't have the support you need, getting sad, trying to talk about it, getting discouraged, getting angry, and then realizing that hey, at least you're working on it, you're making the effort, and that if you keep working at it, you're going to figure it out, eventually. That probably doesn't sound like a 'good' year, but as anyone who's been through it will tell you, it's better than feeling helpless, alone, or stuck with people who don't really care about you.

2013: 'The Year Ish Got Real' from rockandthesinglegirl on 8tracks Radio.

New Year's Week: Team Dresch - "Fagetarian and Dyke"

January: Hysterics - "No!"

February: Excuse 17 - "I'd Rather Eat Glass"

March: Q and Not U - "A Line in the Sand"

April: That Dog - "Every Time I Try"

May: Say Anything - "The Futile"

June: Sleater-Kinney - "02"

July: Swearin - "Just"

August: Rainer Maria - "Save My Skin"

September: Slingshot Dakota - "Never Hear"

October: Punch - "Time Apart"

November: Paramore - "For a Pessimist I'm Pretty Optimistic"

December: Aye Nako - "In Dog Years"

December/January/beyond: Pretty Girls Make Graves - "Pyrite Pedestal"

Late Spring Cleaning/Break(down?) Mix

So I know that I said I was doing all of this blog-related research and development in my last post (like, months ago -- where does time go?).  And I was, until I got sidetracked by some unfortunate but very necessary cleaning.  I know that spring cleaning is supposed to be like, a thing, but I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've ever really done it.

And this probably won't shock anyone who really knows me, but dudes, I am doing it hardcore.  Not just because I'm slightly compulsive and very much a virgo, but because this is not just a matter of simple 'cleaning'.  No, it is instead a matter of cleaning out an entire house.  That's right: while everyone else (in the US, anyway_) is partying or barbecueing for memorial day weekend, I will be sorting through and discarding the possessions of my deceased loved ones.  Awesome!

As much as this sucks, I am a firm believer that even the most miserable of situations can be alleviated by a good soundtrack.  So for anyone else who might be out there cleaning, either in the figurative or literal sense, enjoy these thirteen tracks about the emotional rollercoaster that is purging your life of things you don't want, don't need, or simply can't keep.  It's painful, yes, but it's necessary to get rid of stuff to make room for new things.  New things, of course, meaning 'new records'.  (Or at least that's what it means for me.)

Late Spring Cleaning/Break(down?) from rockandthesinglegirl on 8tracks.

Slingshot Dakota -- "Ohio"

Shoppers -- I

Babes in Toyland -- "Pain in My Heart"

Lost Weekend -- "Worn Out"

The Distillers -- "I am a Revenant"

Forward Russia -- "Fifteen pt 1"

Lemuria -- "Length Away"

RVIVR -- "Edge of Living"

At the Drive-in -- "Rascuache"

Bad Banana -- "Oregon Trail"

Aye Nako -- "Let It In"

Taking Back Sunday -- "Carpathia"

Little Lungs -- "The Big Six"

End of a Year: Smell Ya Later, 2011.

I've never been a big fan of the whole New Year's Eve thing. The partying, the booze, the arbitrary marking of time and reification of that limiting and often demoralizing human construct -- being an introvert, it doesn't really work for me.


[Image: a parody of a flyer for a stereotypical New Year's Eve Party with two full champagne flutes. Text: TOTALLY OVERHYPED NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY -- GET IN A FIGHT WITH YOUR DATE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE at SUPER-DOUCHY DANCE CLUB FULL OF POSEURS AND JERSEY SHORE REJECTS -- DJ D-BAG SPINS NONSTOP DUBSTEP AND TAKES NO REQUESTS! TICKETS: SIX MONTHS' RENT AND YOUR DIGNITY -- COME GET DRUNKA ND CRY WHILE YOUR DATE VOMITS IN THE BATHROOM


I tend to refrain from celebrating or making any acknowledgement the 'new year'. (In the off-chance that anyone ever wondered, that's one of the reasons that I don't post end-of-year 'best of' lists on this blog, that and the fact that it seems like lazy journalism/information better kept to one's livejournal or whatever.) I might make resolutions, but I try to avoid the sort of empty reflection and premature nostalgia that the holiday calls for. Call me weird, but if I can be aware of both myself and the things happening around me, if I can be smart about my behavior, its consequences, and how to modify it for better future results, I'd like to be that way all year, rather than for one night or one week.

But the end of 2011 is shaping up to be the exception. It's been a weird year, people. It's been a long year. It's had its moments, but it was frequently unpleasant, and often lonely. It looks like it's going to have a relatively happy ending, but only after an inauspicious beginning and really difficult middle. So much has happened that it's hard to not look back on it. There's been a lot of change, and I feel like I've learned a lot, so for the past couple weeks I've been trying to process it and figure out how to make use of it all.

In terms of this blog, it's been a quiet year; I only managed to post a few times. I'd like to tell you all more specifics about everything that went down -- you know, a sort of explanation-slash-sharing of what might be helpful information for others who have dealt with traumas.

But like so many people, I'm kinda still tired from Christmas, so, I made a mix instead. There's a song for each month of 2011, to mark both how I remember feeling that month, and what I was listening to at that time. It feels like a bit of a copout, sure -- but to blog more in 2012 is one of my resolutions. So enjoy, and see you all then.



January: Mortals -- "Hellmouth"
February: Bikini Kill -- "Blood One"
March: Seven Year Bitch -- "Give It to Me"
April: Black Flag -- "Can't Decide"
May: Versaemerge -- "Figure It Out"
June: White Lung -- "Shoot"
July: Babes in Toyland -- "Ripe"
August: Sleater-Kinney -- "The Fox"
September: Warpaint -- "Bees"
October: Drive Like Jehu -- "Good Luck in Jail"
November: Refused -- "Tannhäuser/Derivè"
December: Sonic Youth -- "Genetic"